Blog, Gabriel, blog!

Hello fine reader. I wish to express what a profound honor it is to have you here with me on this special occasion. To quote an overused pun-of-sorts, there comes a time in every young woman's life when she must decide, "to blog or not to blog?"

And what a question it is, for it goes much deeper than young Hammy's existential burp. Any twenty-first century girl with her wits about her knows that to blog is to be and to be is to blog. If to blog is to be and to be is to blog, then not to blog is not to be and not to be is not to blog. But what if it is nobler to take arms against the sea of troubles and by opposing end them? Then it seems to not be is to not blog, or would it be to be is not to blog? Then would the act of blogging be to be or not to be? Come back to me, reader. Say I were to tell you that not to blog is more noble, so that following my proposed system of logic we would argue that to be is not to blog. By Hamletian logic, by not to blog to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that blog is heir to. But is it a consummation devoutly to be wish'd? Afterall, to err is human, to blog divine. Ay, there's the rub. And what of the Taoists, who tell us that being and non-being create each other? What the hell am I supposed to do with that? To be is not to be and not to be is to be, so then to blog is not to blog and not to blog is to blog. Here's another gem from the Tao:

We join spokes together in a wheel,
but it is the center hole
that makes the wagon move.

We shape clay into a pot,
but it is the emptiness inside
that holds whatever we want.

We hammer wood for a house,
but it is the inner space
that makes it livable.

We work with being,
but non-being is what we use.

Please accept my apologies reader, and this coupon good for one free session with my therapist. Now, if Hamlet were a Taoist, would he also be a blogger? If the Tao were a blogger, what would they say to Hamlet? Let's move on.

Whether or not I'm nobler in the mind or whether I'm the spokes or the hole, I'm gonna blog like there ain't no tomorrow. Now what? Let's consult the Tao for old time's sake. For clarity and comic effect, I have replaced "Tao" with "Blog".

The blog that can be told
is not the eternal Blog

The name that can be named
is not the eternal Name.

The unnamable is the eternally real.
Naming is the origin
of all particular things.

The Blog is infinite, eternal.
Why is it eternal?
It was never born;
thus it can never die.
Why is it infinite?
It has no desires for itself;
thus it is present for all beings.

The christening of one's blog is obviously no walk through the park. It also seems like we're right back at Hamlet's Saloon drinking Schlitz and playing "MacArthur Park" on the jukebox ad nauseam. And there's that shithead Juliet in the corner muttering something about how a rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Party time.

But the little lady's got a point. A blog would, were it not Blog call'd, retain that dear perfection, blah blah blah. So why then did I waste something close to an hour trying to find a name for this bllllllog? I confess that I am a perfectionist but am also highly prone to fits of whimsy. Part of the delay was pathological. The rest of it was sociological. You fuckin' people have thought of it all, haven't you?! To support my outburst, I urge you to read this abridged list of "names I tried to use for my blog but were already taken by other blogs, most of which were poorly maintained and highly unoriginal". Eventually I just started making things up and hoping they were taken because it affirmed my quest to produce something of value on the internet. Enjoy:

holycrap
pennyfarthing
haikugesundheit
breadandcheese
naturalselection
greatesthits
overduelibrarybooks
practiceshot
hellogoat
pantyliner
pantyliners
antagonist
apotheosis
deusexmachina
dumbshow
protagonist
tuckedin
burpandfart
lameass
getalife
craigslist
coffeeandpie
nobiggie
periodontist
proudtobeanamerican
shitaintright
nasatal (this blog really sucks)
teensyweensy
dontwasteyourtime (read Monday, July 22. It will change your life.)
pulverized
cameltoe
humanface
ilovedoritos
myspace
iamsolonely (found ya, sucka!)
nanananaboobooo
thirddegreeburns
ilovemaria
mariaishot
crazyaboutmaria
whywontyouloveme
becauseihateyou
whattheworldneedsnowis
lovesweetlove


Well, you get the point. Naming is the origin of all particular things. Oh, to err is human but to blog is http://divine.blogspot.com.


If you are inspired to start your own blog, here are a few suggestions of names which have yet to be taken:

feminineproducts
joyridewithaclown
dichotomorrow
dailynoose
toblogornottoblog
nasatall (somebody scarf this up quick!)
startrekcoffeemug
startrekcoffeecup
saladface
totallameass
mikeschirk

In all fairness to ilovedoritos (I love them too sistah), I could very easily publish this winsome essay and then abandon http://theoldcomplaint.blogspot.com, ne'er to post again. But with Tao/Blog as my witness, I promise you theoldcomplaint.blogspot.com will live on forever. Why is it infinite? It has no desires for itself; thus it is present for all beings.

Until we meet again,
E.P. Farthing